Monday, May 20, 2013

I'm With Stupid

Can you remember the day when you are nothing but stupid? My version of stupidity is plastered in my head like beer cans glued together to create a sword.

Rizal Day. I arrived at Talipayong at two o clock in the afternoon carrying a bag of clothes good for two days. It was a barangay forty minutes via tricycle from Baliguag, Bulacan’s town proper. The place was pretty rural. Lots of rice fields, plenty of fresh air from the luscious trees, and all the farm animals you can think of. I went there because my ex invited me to celebrate New Year’s Eve with his family, and when I arrived there, I found out that that I wasn’t the only one he invited, he also invited his current. I started feeling that it will be a long 24 hours.

There was a nipa house outside their house. It stands beside the outside kitchen where my ex’s mom and I chatted about all the nonsensical things that can possibly talk out. I avoided my ex too much because (1) I am still bitter (2) I haven’t moved on and (3) I’m starting to feel stupid. Night came. After dinner I sat at the porch in front of the hut, smoking my lungs out to stop the awkward feeling. His current doesn’t know that I was the ex. My ex just told me that I was a friend from the boarding house.

When I started preparing myself to sleep, I went to the bedroom at the main house to find that my ex’s brother and his family are sleeping at the room. I looked at the sofa and another brother was sleeping there. I don’t need my ex to tell me that three of us will sleep together in one place – unfortunately, it was the nipa house outside. I loathed myself more when I went inside the hut and saw only one bed. Oh yeah, it will be messy.

We never slept early. First we chatted about random things. I acted my way so I will just get use to the three of us being together. We will sleep in the same place, anyways. But after they freshen up, I lie down at the bed side nearest the door and pretended to be busy with my phone. My ex then lies down beside me followed by his current. I force myself to sleep, forcing my head to stop thinking how impossible the three of us can get. However, they kept on talking. You will hear them kissing. And all their hugging makes sleeping with a couple on the same bed nothing but ultimately stupid. Hey, he is my ex by the way! Then the plan started running on my head. Definitely, this will not continue.

I checked my phone when the farm started to become quiet. It was two in the morning. I stood up as quietly as possible and when my ex saw me, I just told him that I need to pee. I quietly descended the hut, enter the back door near the kitchen, proceeded as quietly as possible to the room where my bag was placed, passed the sofa afraid that his brother will woke up, tried to open the door house, succeeded, then without turning back, I left.

What have I gotten myself into? I ask myself this question as I transverse the rough road on my way to town. Hugging my bag in my chest while my left hand carries my phone to light my path, I noticed that there was nothing safe in what I am doing. I am some 22 year old stranger from Manila, in my house clothes walking past dark rice fields praying that no snake will suddenly cross the street, no dogs will bark and chase the hell out of me, no supernatural being will block my path and most especially no bad guys with deadly weapon will try to rob or rape me. I was gratuitous enough to realize that I didn’t wear any sneakers because that will be another problem. Haha. I never walked that fast in my entire life. Adrenaline took over my body because basically I don’t want anything either my ex or anything else catching me. He will find out eventually that I left.

And I was correct. I was walking for thirty minutes when I received his text asking me where I am. “I’m on my way home,” I replied. He started texting that it was not safe leaving at this hour (which I know), that I could have stayed until morning (which is not an option), and if there is anything wrong. Some people can really get more stupid compared to other people. I never replied his messages because I can. Then I was sure he started getting pissed because the tone of his text was starting to get nasty. I never replied until he told me to stay where I was and he will go there to get his clothes. Then there was flashback. When I left for manila he kept on texting me to bring him clothes because he was so excited to go home that he didn’t bring anything. Smiling wickedly, I replied, “ay sorry, wala kang damit dito. Don’t get me wrong, I have clothes for both of us pero they are all my clothes. Im sure you’ll figure something out.”

Another 20 minutes of walking and my savior came. Seeing a tricycle was the happiest thing that happened to me that morning. I was so happy that I paid the driver a hundred bucks when he dropped me off the bus terminal. Leaving for Manila never felt that well.

Though these happened eons ago, this stupidity still makes me smile. I always believe that it is okay to be stupid sometimes. When you became stupid, you learn. When you took the wrong curves, it will make you reflect on the things that you mistakenly commit and then you’ll start hoping that you can still make things right. Without stupidity, life will be dull and boring. I’m not saying that we all become stupid. Let’s just try not making the same mistakes again. And in case you did, don’t fret; I am still rooting for you.

Thank you for reading this super duper long post. Haha!

Monday, May 13, 2013

A Boy Named Leech

Leech is only a code name.

I met Leech years ago. The first time I saw him was when I first live in Pateros. Since we were clan mates, he sent a group message telling everyone that he was on his way to Taguig. During that time, I was walking Pasig Park on my way to the jeepney stop where all the vehicles bound to Pateros and Taguig pass.

We were at the same place, at the same time, so it became inevitable that we should meet up.

That was the start. Since our areas were near each other, we started drinking together, and every moment was fun. He sang well, while I sang okay, so our favorite bonding moment was singing in a cheap videoke place in Rotonda.

Leech is awesome. You will really want him as your friend. He is your typical alpha gay but he doesn't consider him as such. He knows what he have but you will never feel that he brags about him. Yes, you will hear stories about him, the things he does and all, but you have to transcend through all the stories to fully understand him.

But things always happen. I left the clan that he used to lead then we lost communication.

God knows how I tried my best to find him. It is really my nature that when someone starts to mean something to me, specially if that person became my friend, I will do my best to keep you. But when you start to realize that the only information you have is his first name left my hopes in finding him on FB flush on the drain. I ask our common friends and found out that he was not on our clan before. Leech was really a slimy thing to catch.

But I found him. Just a while ago. And I cannot be more ecstatic about it. Nothing beats looking for something you missed terribly.

And that is why I am writing again. Because I am not just happy, I feel splendid. :D

So, how you've been? Let's catch up. :)

Monday, May 6, 2013

Ang Landas Tungo sa Liwanag

Sa totoo lang, ayaw ko talaga munang isulat ang mga nararamdaman ko. Ayaw kong isipin ng mundo na puro ako emo at rants. Pero sabi nga nila, the first step to letting go is acceptance. You accept your faults, acknowldege your weaknesses, admit defeat and then you start moving on.

Naging mahirap ang nakaraang buwan sa akin. Simula ng umalis ako ng Makati, tinanggap ko na sa sarili ko na may mga bagay na kailangan akong gawin. Naplano ko na ang mga susunod na buwan, nilatag lahat ng baraha't umasa na kahit papaano kakabig din ng malaki sa huli. Pero mapaglaro talaga ang kapalaran, minsan yamado ka na, bigla ka namang matatalo agad agad.

Lumipat ako sa Pateros na mataas ang paniniwala sa sarili ko. Alam ko kakayanin ko uling harapin ang mundo na magisa, makakayanan ang mga bagay na maaring harapin, at magigiging matatag sa lahat ng pagsubok na maaring ibigay ng Maykapal. Pero dahil sa sobrang init ng bahay ko sa tanghali, sumuko na ako. Haha. Nakakatawang isipin pero mas inuna ko ang kalusugan ko kesa sa mga hangarin ko. Paano ako mangangarap kung hindi malusog ang katawan ko? Paano ako mananaginip ng maganda kung hindi naman ako makatulog ng maayos? Paano lilinaw ang pananaw ko sa mga bagay bagay kung parating masakit ang mata ko dahil sa kulang ako sa tulog?

Kaya ito ako ngayon, nakatira na naman sa bahay ng Nanay ko.

Wala namang problema. Sobra akong masaya kasi kahit papaano alam kong may sumusuporta sa akin sa lahat ng mga pinagdadaanan ko. Mahirap man ang biyahe, masarap naman ang pakiramdam kapag nakauwi ka na. Sobrang gaan sa pakiramdam. Kung ito ang pakiramdam ng nakadrugs, naku, magiging adik talaga ako.

Pero alam ko hindi rin magtatagal at kailangan ko na ring bumalik sa Maynila - para maghanap ng bagong trabaho, bagong bahay, magsimula ng bagong buhay. Ngayon, kinakabahan ulet ako. Alam niyo yung pakiramdam na alam ko mahohomesick ako ulet at mamimiss ang luto ng nanay ko. Bukod pa doon, kinakabahan ako na magumpisa ulet kasi sa tagal kong magisa sa lungsod (walong taon), kinakabahan ako na magkamali ulet. Natatakot akong mabigo. At higit sa lahat, ayaw kong umuwi ulet sa bahay ng Nanay ko na isang talunan. Isang Prodigal Son.

Sa ngayon, na alam ko na madaming oras na akong nasayang, hindi ko na kakayaning gawin ulet ang mga bagay na nagawa ko na dati. Hindi na ako papayag. Hindi ko na iyon pahihintulutan.

Kaya kahit nakakapagod maguwian, kakayanin kong magtiis. Ihahanda ko muna ulet ang sarili ko na mas maging matatag para mas maging matapang na harapin lahat ng bagay na pwedeng ilatag ng buhay para sa akin. Panahon lang ang kailangan ko. Sa ngayon, umaasa akong hindi na iyong magtatagal.

Pangako, ito na ang huling pagkakataon na isusulat ko ito. Sa susunod na magsulat ako, sana mas masaya na, mas kaenga enganyong basahin, at higit sa lahat, hindi na madilim.

Kaya, pansamantala, hangga't hindi ko nakikita ang liwanag sa kadilimang bumabalot sa akin, iiwan ko muna ang kahel kong mundo.

Sana mahintay niyo ako. Aasa ako. Kailangan ko ang tiwala niyo. :D