Phoenix

The past week has been crazy.

Part of me was hurt, part of me was guilty, part of me was drowning myself in all of my insecurities and a bigger part of me is stupid. Another part of me thought of all the possibilities, the what ifs, and there was a tiny part of me hoping always for the best.

But what is cool about the Healing Process (if there is such) is that it will give you an opportunity to reflect. Find out where did you miss your sanity and where will you give yourself the opportunity to put yourself back together.

Blame the rain for being a good distraction. While I was sad contemplating on how the two of us separated ways, I will read something about the floods and then I thought, damn, my burdens are nothing. The pain I was drowning myself into will never compare how unfortunate other felt when they lose a home, a love one, and anything they have. It was embarrassing to feel this way while other suffers more.

I give myself the time it needs to heal. Last Wednesday I drank two bottles of Red Horse just to sleep and not think but I still woke up two early and man, it doesn’t feel good. Hence, it feels more stupid. I just promised myself to never do that again.

Though I am stubborn, I listen to people who cares, who understand what I am going through and will give me the chance to rant about all the things I feel bad of. I know I will never listen to an advice, but I just need someone to listen. I am grateful for the people who have been good ears for me.

And I remember how I scribbled a lot of stuff in my journal just to make myself remember how stupid I feel. Writing really helps. It lessen the pain.

I know I am still not okay, but in due time, I will. Right now, I will just treat what happened as a flood, it may evade everything, but it will never crush my spirits. I will still fight no matter how tough that battle seems.

The sun is already up. I know the rainbow is just somewhere in the bright sky.

Awakening

Where will I start this?

I really want to tell you guys how us started but  things has been complicated in the last four days. Who would have thought that a lot of things can happen in four days? You will meet someone, get close to him, see sparks, started hoping that the feelings will last, and then you will break his heart. All of that happen in four days. 

The truth will always be the least popular story. Cliches will always say that it will set you free, true  enough, it did. It set me free. Free from him, his stories, his thoughts and his world. And if this is being free, well, I don't want to be free again.

But still things need to be liberated. We have to get out of the abyss that we put ourselves into. You need to see the light at the end of the tunnel, or at least try to find it. You have to learn to stand up for you to start running. Everything affects everything. Something must start somewhere.

I decided to start something now.

Where will I start? Contemplating where will you start moving on will really be the toughest stage. But I have wonderful friends. Thanks to Addie, she reminded me where should I start this. She said,  forgive yourself first and it all follows.

The truth was out, and when he found out that I lied about a lot of things. I already did my part, I wrote him a long email and I apologize a lot of times. Maybe it will never be enough, and definitely, I know where his rage is coming from, but I think I have done my part. It is time to ask forgiveness from myself.

LJ, I am sorry. 

No Permanent Address

Nung bata pa ako, pangarap kong lumipat ng bahay. Ngayon, alam ko na na dapat ka talagang mag-ingat sa mga pinapangarap mo, kasi nagkakatotoo siya.

Simple lang ang bahay namin sa Muntinlupa. Nakatira kami sa isang subdivision, tapos sa subdivision na iyon pwede mong ipa-renovate ang bahay niyo ayon sa kagustuhan niyo. Bungalow style ang bahay namin, may tatlong kwarto, asa main road kaya madali mong malalaman na bahay na namin yun. Kapit bahay namin ang mga pinsan ni Mudra, yung iba naman mga tagalog din kaya madaling pakisamahan. Masayang tumira sa isang subdivision, alam mo yung pakiramdam na halos lahat ng nasa lugar niyo kilala mo, na makikita mo yung mga kababata mo na tumanda sa mga mata mo, tapos makikita mo rin kung pano umunlad ang mga kapit bahay mo habang kayo, ganoon pa din. Mga ganoon. Pero lahat ng kagandahan ay may kapintasan, ang panget lang, lahat ng storya sa bahay niyo, imposibleng hindi makarating sa iba. Laganap ang tsismis kahit saan ka pumunta.

Balik tayo sa pangarap ko. Hindi naging ganoong kaayos ang buhay namin. Dumating sa punto na kailangan na naming iwan ang bahay sa Muntinlupa. Si Pudak kasi, sumama sa ibang babae, at dalawa lang ang option noon, either Cavite or Quezon. Asa fourth year high school na ako nung pinapili ako ni Mudra kung saan ko daw ba gusto, kasi alam niya na nasa maganda akong school at sayang naman kung hindi ko na itutuloy doon. Pinili ko ang Cavite, bukod sa alam ko na kakayanin ko namang maguwian from Dasmariñas to Muntinlupa araw araw, di hamak naman na mas okay naman sa Dasmariñas kaysa sa Quezon kung saan kailangan mong maglakad ng pagkalayo layo para makapasok lang araw araw. Ang problema lang sobrang puyat ako parati, ikaw ba naman ang umalis ng Cavite ng quarter to 5 ng umaga tapos umuwi ng past 9 ng gabi, pag hindi ka pa napuyat diba? Minsan naranasan ko na ding umuwi ng one o clock dahil sa paggawa ng mga project.

Nung nag college ako sa PUP, same story pa din, ibang location nga lang. Uwian araw araw, gising ng madaling araw tapos uwi ng sobrang gabi na. Nagsisi na ako kung bakit ko pa pinangarap ang lumipat ng bahay. Ang hirap umuwi ng gabi gabi tapos bigla ka nalang babatiin ng mga tambay sa kanto niyo, o di kaya biglang may aso sa harap ng street niyo na kilala kalang kapag umaga. Tapos kapitbahay mo pa ang mga kamaganak mong mukhang pera at walang ibang hobby na gawin kung hindi matahin ang pamilya mo. Hell talaga ang Dasma, kung alam mo lang.

Nung nagworking student naman ako, naisipan kong magbedspace sa Sta Mesa. Finally nakawala din sa conservative na bahay ni Mudra. Nung una, akala ko masaya ang mabuhay ng mag isa pero nung andoon na, ampangit din pala. Ang hirap mag asikaso ng sarili, mahirap mag-isip kung anong kakainin, kung kakain ka ba o matutulog nalang para makatipid, kailangan mong maglaba, magplantsa, at gumawa ng mga gawaing bahay. Mahirap magbudget ng sweldo, gumawa ng paraan kapag nashort ka ng pera, magdecide kung gigimik ka ba o magpapakaboring nalang. Ang hirap maging independent. Siguro ang consolation nalang ng pagiging independent ay ang experience. Matututo kang makisama sa mga tao, makikilala mo ang sarili mo at higit sa lahat malalaman mo kung gaano ka katatag.

Ngayon, since sa Ortigas ako nagwowork, nagboboard pa din ako, sa Makati na nga lang. Sa ibang bahay na nakatira si Mudak at ang mga kapatid ko. Malayo na sa mga epal kong kamag anak pero madami pa ding adik at aso sa kanto. Okay na rin ang buhay namin ngayon.

Minsan kapag naeemo ako, iniisip ko ang bahay naming sa Muntinlupa. Marami kasing masasayang memories doon, minsan nakakagaan ng loob kapag naaalala ko siya. Sa dami kong natirahan, nakakalungkot isipin na kahit marami nga akong masasayang alaala at mga bagong natutunan, masakit isipin na wala namang permanente. Walang permanenteng address, walang permanenteng neighbourhood, wala masyadong permanenteng friends. Lahat sila dumaan lang, its either sila ang unang mawawala o ako ang unang nagpapaalam. Nakakaemong isipin na sa dami kong naging kakilala, karamihan sa kanila, tamang pakikisama lang. Makakasabay mong kumain sa mesa, magantay ng turn para gumamit ng C.R., at makakangitian mo sa daan pero hanggang doon lang.

Iniisip ko ngayon what if hindi kami lumipat ng bahay? What if nag stay lang ako sa Muntinlupa? Lumaki kasama ng mga kababata ko, gumradweyt tapos invited ang buong subdivision, at nagtagumpay at umunlad na kita ng mga kamag anak ni Mudra, will it be a different story kaya? Pano kung naging permanente lang ang mga bagay, magiging masaya kaya?

Dati iniisip ko yan parati pag nahihirapan ako, kapag naeemo ako. Pero nangyari na ang mga nangyari. People grow old, you learn lessons, and everything will just be part of your history. You will have memories, experiences and mistakes that will make you a better individual.

At ang pinakaimportanteng aral ng napakahabang post na ito? Be thankful sa lahat ng blessing at challenges na dumadating sa buhay mo, mabuti man o masama, lahat ng pagdadaanan mo ay magiging parte ng pagkatao mo.