Dos

I thought I have everything under control last year. However, the problem with control is you cannot control anything - it is either you just became responsible for every stupid decision you made, or you just let go and just enjoy the flow.

Last year, I was close to going berserk. Honestly, things way go too out of hand that I no longer understand what happened. Probably, that is also the reason why I have been absent on this page. Aside from I don't want to rant about things, I also want to forget the moments where I have was in the lowest of lows. Too bad it never work.

If there are any perks on being in a sort of hell state, I became closer with my family. After several years of being independent and suffering the price of it, nothing beats the feeling the love your family give. Its like going back through the core of all the things you are working hard for. Finally, I remembered the goals I am working hard for.

And as the year change, I will admit that things aren't back to how they were supposed to be. But, as always, in every second chance that we have to fix our shits, we just have to rely that this time we will not screw up. And as always, we must never be afraid to try.

"the fears that once controlled me, can't get to me at all 

- Elsa"

Lessons from New Favorites

For the past days, I indulged myself on watching shows that not just interests me, but also made me reflect a lot of thing. And since I am bored determined to make up to my blog. Allow me to share them. :d

ONCE UPON A TIME - Who doesn’t love Regina? If there is one thing about her that fascinates me, I guess aside from the fact that she is too regal, she is also so relatable. I am sure, we all an Evil Queen inside of us – determined to get what she wants no matter what it takes, will love to be truly happy, and sometimes, be selfish enough to think about herself first. Pain caused the Regina to be who she is, and it is amazing how Pain also makes her want to change. The Evil Queen will always be love. :D

SHERLOCK – When I found out that BBC have this, I was apprehensive. Probably, because I idolized Sherlock Holmes so much that I really don’t want to mess with how I knew him. And now, I am glad I gave the show a try.

This show will amaze you in ways hard to describe. Though it can get too scientific and certain things were so difficult to understand, their version of Sherlock Holmes have the one great thing that the Sherlock that I have had – the power of observation.

It always pay to observe. :D

BRAVE – Merida said at the end of the movie, “There are those who say fate is something beyond our command. That destiny is not our own, but I know better. Our fate lives within us, you only have to be brave enough to see it.”

I guess the phrase sums why I love the film. Let’s all be brave, every body.

THE PRINCESS AND THE FROG – Of course, Tiana is not your regular princess. She doesn’t dream to find true love, she believes in hard work, and most of all, she doesn’t like fairy tales. And if we all have an evil queen, for sure, we also have a Tiana inside of us. We just have to realize what we all need. :D

There you go. Happy Holidays everyone!

The Silver Lining

I am contemplating on one thing. How do they do it?

I have a friend who ended his five years relationship for someone new. Another friend who has this habit of replacing her ex in a span of two weeks ended up with someone you will never imagine she will choose. Not only that, she is madly in love. Then, there is another friend, who came from an abusive relationship who ended up being taken by her first boyfriend.

How do they do it? How do they make love seems so easy?

This has been my battle for years. I will try not to blame my past but I notice that every time that love has been a topic, I am becoming apprehensive about it. Though it is embarrassing to admit, I am scared. Sometimes, love can get so tricky to the point that I become too lazy getting into it. I know my concerns -- the reasons why I am scared and why I feel I am not worth it of the whole relationship thing.

So the past week, I tried to overcome all the things I am scared of. First, approaching and being flirty with people. I started chatting all my friends in Facebook I eyed on for the longest time. They are not much. But with a little courage and a great anticipation of rejection, I still proceed. Certain things turned out well. We became chat mates, then eventually, text mates. Some never responded, which was expected. To my surprise, I started becoming confident of how the whole thing work. I understand that though some may bore you to death, since they are what you eye for, you have to adjust. Sometimes, relationships needs effort and patience and whole lot of sweetness. Though you cannot woo somebody with your looks, do it with words and listening skills! It makes a difference. I now knew that I can get someone I wanted, you just have to learn the tricks. :D

There comes my silver lining. 

I started having a new perspective about love. It has been a cliche that you have to risk some things in order to gain some. And I guess though the thought terrifies me now, I really have to face it. It has been a wall that became a hindrance to all the things that I wanted. 

So get me my wrecking ball. :D

Ang Landas Tungo sa Liwanag

Sa totoo lang, ayaw ko talaga munang isulat ang mga nararamdaman ko. Ayaw kong isipin ng mundo na puro ako emo at rants. Pero sabi nga nila, the first step to letting go is acceptance. You accept your faults, acknowldege your weaknesses, admit defeat and then you start moving on.

Naging mahirap ang nakaraang buwan sa akin. Simula ng umalis ako ng Makati, tinanggap ko na sa sarili ko na may mga bagay na kailangan akong gawin. Naplano ko na ang mga susunod na buwan, nilatag lahat ng baraha't umasa na kahit papaano kakabig din ng malaki sa huli. Pero mapaglaro talaga ang kapalaran, minsan yamado ka na, bigla ka namang matatalo agad agad.

Lumipat ako sa Pateros na mataas ang paniniwala sa sarili ko. Alam ko kakayanin ko uling harapin ang mundo na magisa, makakayanan ang mga bagay na maaring harapin, at magigiging matatag sa lahat ng pagsubok na maaring ibigay ng Maykapal. Pero dahil sa sobrang init ng bahay ko sa tanghali, sumuko na ako. Haha. Nakakatawang isipin pero mas inuna ko ang kalusugan ko kesa sa mga hangarin ko. Paano ako mangangarap kung hindi malusog ang katawan ko? Paano ako mananaginip ng maganda kung hindi naman ako makatulog ng maayos? Paano lilinaw ang pananaw ko sa mga bagay bagay kung parating masakit ang mata ko dahil sa kulang ako sa tulog?

Kaya ito ako ngayon, nakatira na naman sa bahay ng Nanay ko.

Wala namang problema. Sobra akong masaya kasi kahit papaano alam kong may sumusuporta sa akin sa lahat ng mga pinagdadaanan ko. Mahirap man ang biyahe, masarap naman ang pakiramdam kapag nakauwi ka na. Sobrang gaan sa pakiramdam. Kung ito ang pakiramdam ng nakadrugs, naku, magiging adik talaga ako.

Pero alam ko hindi rin magtatagal at kailangan ko na ring bumalik sa Maynila - para maghanap ng bagong trabaho, bagong bahay, magsimula ng bagong buhay. Ngayon, kinakabahan ulet ako. Alam niyo yung pakiramdam na alam ko mahohomesick ako ulet at mamimiss ang luto ng nanay ko. Bukod pa doon, kinakabahan ako na magumpisa ulet kasi sa tagal kong magisa sa lungsod (walong taon), kinakabahan ako na magkamali ulet. Natatakot akong mabigo. At higit sa lahat, ayaw kong umuwi ulet sa bahay ng Nanay ko na isang talunan. Isang Prodigal Son.

Sa ngayon, na alam ko na madaming oras na akong nasayang, hindi ko na kakayaning gawin ulet ang mga bagay na nagawa ko na dati. Hindi na ako papayag. Hindi ko na iyon pahihintulutan.

Kaya kahit nakakapagod maguwian, kakayanin kong magtiis. Ihahanda ko muna ulet ang sarili ko na mas maging matatag para mas maging matapang na harapin lahat ng bagay na pwedeng ilatag ng buhay para sa akin. Panahon lang ang kailangan ko. Sa ngayon, umaasa akong hindi na iyong magtatagal.

Pangako, ito na ang huling pagkakataon na isusulat ko ito. Sa susunod na magsulat ako, sana mas masaya na, mas kaenga enganyong basahin, at higit sa lahat, hindi na madilim.

Kaya, pansamantala, hangga't hindi ko nakikita ang liwanag sa kadilimang bumabalot sa akin, iiwan ko muna ang kahel kong mundo.

Sana mahintay niyo ako. Aasa ako. Kailangan ko ang tiwala niyo. :D

Magdalene

When The Company started printing and reading our YM conversations to ensure that all stuff being talked about over messenger are work related, everyone was aghast!

I was loathing.Well, who wouldn't be?

Things got more interesting when one of my supervisor was tasked to read all conversations and make a report about it. Imagine your the supervisor and you have to read your subordinates talking things about you. And they are not pretty. Haha. It made my Sup so stressed that she never talked to us weeks after it happened.

Among all the Christmas greetings, the HIs and Hellos, and all the gossips that circulated through the YM conversations, there were talks about one office mate who flirted with people while at work. Haha. It was crazy. She really proved that our senior officers were correct.

Mommy, being  diplomatic and caring about all of her employees, just told us that whatever was talked about in YM and all the things personal will remain confidential. What she also said amazed me, like when we talked about our office mate who were chatting with men while working. She just said that, "lahat ng tao may landi, lahat tayo may ginagawang mali, so wala tayong dapat iworry, kasi kung ano man ang kanya, kanya lang yun."

I always remember those words in moments where I feel that I committed something unforgivable. Specially when you are faced with situations that are too out of your control. All of us have our own share of bad attitude, probably some of us committed something that we are not proud of. There are things I am not proud of, but I acknowledge all the bad things I've done in my life and I am trying my best to make things right.

And I guess, if people will judge you because of all the faults you made, hmm, I will tell them to check themselves first. :D

*image from here

Homecoming

I left the province with a bag of clothes and nothing else but my faith in the Lord and myself. It was tough - leaving your family, becoming independent again, starting out (all over again) in the big city hoping thing will turn out well this time.

Inhale. Exhale.

If I have a choice, I will just stay in the province. However, there are things in life where you don't make your own choice. You just let them happen because if you don't, things will be more difficult.

Manila, welcome me back!

Home

Isn't it fascinating how complicated an individual can get?

10 days ago, I ate my pride and left my boarding house to live with my Mom and my niece only to realize that I miss Manila too much that I want to live there again.

Honestly, being with my Mom isn't that bad. It has its perks. I wake up knowing that someone will cook for me, I can sleep all day knowing that my clothes are already laundried and pressed, and the fact that she is always there for me makes me grin. Cheers for all the Mothers that we all love!

However, I miss the city. Though I don't have the comfort of having someone beside me, and I am alone most of the time, I guess I will never be used to living a provincial life. I've been independent since I was 19. Working my hardest in order to not starve in the city. Haha. I miss the challenges and the struggles of the city.

I also miss my friends and the things we do together. I miss all the activities, both sane and insane, that we shared. I miss you.

The whole time that I am here in the province, I realized that I am in my comfort zone every time that I am all by myself. Probably, I am no longer used to having someone tend to my needs and take care of me. Being here can get boring you know. Aside from that, the idea that you are so far from all the things that you get used to like playing AION, blogging at a net cafe, bonding with your friends, meeting new people, joining PBO (Oh hi there, my PBO friends!), flirting with people makes me frustrated.

Now, every thing will be back to square one. And in God's time, Manila, I am coming home. Hopefully in two weeks time. :D

Rants 2.0

As always, the clouds above me are still in shades of gray. Staying in this part of the universe called life can get exhausting, but the last time I checked on myself, I am still breathing. I am still okay.

There are a lot of things I am exhausted about: responsibilities that kept of piling up, expectations that you always have to meet, staying on a job that is close to making you self destruct and being alone in all the battlefields you throw yourself into.

Life is tough. But, life is tougher when you are a breadwinner who wants to resign from work because you are no longer happy (aside from it doesn’t provide well) but cannot resign because you think that starting over may make things more complicated.

There were days where I miss my old life. I miss the moments where I still work in a BPO. I long for the perks and all the things that go with taking calls. Though the job can be more exhausting, the opportunity to experience more things makes it okay. It levels the playing field of stress, monotony and of course, lack of sleep.

I am still thinking about the reason which halts me to resign. Is it my three year tenure in the office? Is it my friends at work? Or, is it the lean moments where a shift will end and you will feel relieved because you hardly do anything? I don’t know.

All I know is that I am having a struggle deciding what to do in the next couple of months. My head is so confused right now.

Okay, I am ranting. I am sorry.

Promises

Eons change. Along with it comes all the broken promises made last year and an optimistic heart believing in another chance to make things right.

Now, I  promise two things - to hit the gym and to have a decent amount of money on a savings account.

I will allow the universe to stir up the other aspects of my life to make things more challenging and less boring. Oh, Universe, please be gentle. Kindly be good to me :D

Umpisa na ng kagagahan. lols.

Olivia

If you had a clean state, are there things that you'd like to change? Or would you want things to stay the same?

I always believe that I am not a clean slate - and I will never be one. Life will be too boring if we will always keep on doing the right things. 

Changes will always be good. There are things that I definitely want to do differently, this year. However, I am in a stage where I have to be extra cautious with all the things I am doing. Though it is hard to admit, all of us are not getting any younger. In every decision we will make, we have to think of how it will affect us in a longer scale.

However, I know I will still have my positive attitude next year. I am sure. Every experience, good or bad, no matter what it is, you will learn from it. It's just life. 

Happy New Year everyone! :D

9: Starting Over

citybuoy | ♔ıǝɹɯɐı♔ | Leader of the Opposition | ןıuǝ oɟ ɟןıƃɥʇ | Spiral Prince

Roses

What's in a name? That which we call a rose,
By any other name would smell as sweet.

-Juliet Capulet

WHITE: Tradition dictates that all guests offer a rose to the departed. I stood on queue among neighbors and friends of Moments’ family who was in front of the altar howling because of his father’s death. The atmosphere was heavy. It was dramatic. While the choir sung the most haunting song I've ever heard, I forced my eyes to stop crying.

                Things could have been easier if Jazmine was with me. We could have ridiculed at the environment I trapped myself in. However, he was not there. And as I near the altar, I knew that things could have been worst. It was devastating seeing an entire family in pain. The hurt they felt was so contagious and though I told myself to maintain composure and grace, when I hugged my friend, it felt like that the sky will fall anytime.

RED: I was on another queue. It was the eve of the Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe. I held a red one this time. It goes with an envelope where I placed a hundred bucks as love offering. As I concentrate at the image of the virgin in front of me, I contemplated on the things that I want her to hear. I prayed for my family, my friends, and all the people dear to me. I ask for mercy, prosperity and guidance. I lift up to her all the things that bother me – from my fears, insecurities, self doubt and all the pain. I inquire for forgiveness and I wished for peace.

            Though it was already midnight, the air was warm. Her presence made me more optimistic. Her love made me feel safe.

BLUE: Boy, another roommate from Sta Mesa, left the house early. He told me that it was Valentine’s Day and he needs to be early at Dangwa to get the freshest flowers he can get. I thought he will get several red flowers to give to our entire lady neighbor. He did last year. But when he returned home, all he had in his arms were two dozens of blue roses. It was the one of the prettiest thing I've ever seen. Afterwards, he started giving the blue flowers to all of our neighbors which made them appreciate him more. And when he placed one at my bedside table, it made me appreciate Boy more.

ORANGE: Where did you get the money to buy this? I told him while I stare in fascination at the orange  long stem rose in front of me.

You thought I cannot get you anything special for your birthday because I am a student, right? He said.

No, it’s not like that, I just didn't expect that this thing is for real. I see it in books and on Wikipedia but I never expect that you can get it somewhere here in Manila. I continued staring at the rose. Seriously, its presence was hypnotizing. I touched the petals and I can’t stop smiling. Best. Birthday. Gift. Ever.

I’m glad you liked it.

No, I don’t like it. I love it.

And, I love you. Happy Birthday.

--

The rose that all are praising
Is not the rose for me.

-Thomas Haynes Bayly

Choji

My reflection at the office window made me feel uncomfortable. It felt like seeing someone you don't know, and in a blink, you will realize that it was you – only way bigger.

I was glad I saw it.

And after so many years of being irresponsible with my food intake and not exercising, like a bad dream, it felt nice waking up.

I know. I can do this.

Stereotypes and Bugs

I have two friends in Guadalupe aside from Roommate. For this blog, we will just call them Tita M and Cyclops. Tita M owns the salon in front of our boarding house, he is now at his mid fifties, his hair is long though it is close to disappearing and he is my companion every time I want to drink. Cyclops, on the other hand, is my housemate. Like Tita M, he also has long hairs and he drinks hormone pills to give him the extra shape on his bosoms. Cyclops is aware of his lustful acts, and out of the three of us, he is the type who will do everything to get the man that he wants.

The three of us were talking about the new guy in the neighborhood – Baker Boy (BB). BB used to work in a Gay Bar, his body is okay and at some angles, he can be considered cute. He is also a bastard. He will just stay in the salon, acting cute and hot and he will do everything for you to notice him, he asks Tita M for money to pay his gym expenses Tita M even said that he show his willy whenever he has the chance.

Shocked, I gave BB the benefit of the doubt. However, the two of them confirmed that they already saw BB’s willy and what make things more confusing was they thought that I already saw it. I just told them hindi ah, at wala naman akong intensiyon na makita yun.

They said, lalaki na nga ang gumagawa noon, ayaw mo pa? naging bading ka pa which made me post this on my FB page.



When I accepted me, I prepared myself for the stereotype and the discrimination that straight people might shoot at me. However, I am not ready for the things that people like me may say. I am aware of my naughty and lustful side, and I am being honest when I say that it never shows up every time. It will not show when I am drinking with guys. It doesn’t appear when a random teenager invites me to his place on my way home. And it will never show if a bastard will just show his willy in exchange of a price. The idea is too extreme for me. And I am way better than that.

While someone like me thinks that you must grab every opportunity that may come your way, my mind will think of all the consequence with all my actions. While Cyclops formulates ways on how he can get his ways with my hot roommate, I always find ways to resist being tempted. And while Tita M pays for all the guys he sleeps with, I am already financial planning, thinking if the experience will be worth it. Most of the time, my head always tells me that it is not. Haha.

People must understand that though we are the same at some aspects, there are certain things that still differ. For me, I don’t have the guts. And I choose not to do such acts because most of the time, my conscience hits me. I really have no problems with what people do, if you are happy living your life the way you want to live it, then I will always be happy for you. But always stick to what is right. Always believe in your values. And if people do things differently, let them be. Mind your own business.

We will always try our best to be better than someone else. We will use everything we have to be unique. It may make us all the same but still, we have our own playing fields. Fight your own battles and never get involve in someone else’s.

To The Right One,

I always wonder how the two of us will meet.

Maybe we will meet at a beach. While sitting alone at the sand staring at the horizon, you will seat beside me. You will ask me if I am waiting for somebody. Actually, I am, I am waiting for the sun to set. I will say. Confused, you will ask why. And then I will say, I love the color of the sunset – it's orange.

Maybe we will meet at a bar somewhere. I will be on my way home then we will bump into each other. We will exchange hellos. Then you will ask me to dance; I will say no. You will ask why; I will say I am leaving. You will ask me to have coffee instead; I will say yes. You will say you thought I was leaving; I will say that I will always have time for coffee.

It's insane, but maybe we will meet at a church. We will be force to hold each other's hands because of the Our Father song. While concentrating on my prayers, your index finger will rub my hands. Your right hand is soft, and I will feel the electricity surging into my soul. The prayer will be done, and you will grip my left hand before you let it go. I will look at you, and then will notice your eyes, and then we will exchange smiles.

It will be the best if the two of us will meet at a bookstore. We will fight over a book because it's the only copy left in the whole store. Both of us will not give in, and in the end, we will just agree that we will share.

I can fantasize about a lot of things. Imagine all the weird instances where our souls will meet. Only to realize that amidst all the idiosyncrasies, what matters is we will meet.

To begin with, let me start by saying that I am not the romantic type. I am really not good with flowers, chocolates, stuffed animals and all the sweet things that you may consider cherishing because of its sentimental value. Do not expect me to hold your hand and kiss your cheek in public because I always find that stuff awkward. Never expect too much because all I can do is give you is my very best. I may not give you stuff but I will show you how much you mean to me. I can get pretty good with words. I can write you a poem, sing your favorite song, try to cook your favorite food, and be interested with the things you are interested to. I may not give the PDA that you've dreamed for but you can always assure that I will be there for you. Good and bad, happy and sad, in victories and defeat, I swear, I will always be there.

I used to have a perfect image of you. Growing up, I always have a vision of what you will be like.

However, now, all that matters is that you will love me the way I will always love you. We will support each other's goals. Never question the time and the affection spent or not spent with each other. Though we may turn too complex for each other, we will compromise. We will understand. You will always love the people that I love the same way I will value all the people that matters to you.

And in moments where the two of us will be challenge, I swear I will do my best to hang on to love. I will fight with all my might in order to make things right. But make sure that we will face everything as mature individuals. We will talk things out, we will listen and never interrupt, and we will just try committing fewer mistakes afterwards.

I know that your presence will take a while. I've been waiting for quite a while now, and I am sure, I can wait a few more. I bet you are also tired of waiting but the universe will bring us together, all we have to do is just believe. While doing that, let's prepare ourselves for the big moment. Let's do our best to make sure that once we meet each other, our hands will fit perfectly.

Just take care of yourself. I am not there yet to get you water and feed you medicines when you are not feeling well.

I always pray for you.

And like always, I'll be saving all my love for you.

Forever and always,

LJ

__________

I was inspired to write this by Bagotilyo's post. You can read his letter to his future wife here.

And yes, please do check My Universe! Follow niyo na rin po. Thanks. :) 

My Six Paths of Pain

Six Paths of Pain

I was fourteen when I first experienced tooth extraction. There was this molar that kept hurting for the past weeks, and since my mom was afraid that I will turn into a pain reliever addict, she insisted that I have it checked. No, she forced me. So after thirty minutes of listening to Regine V. and staring at little angels in the pink-theme clinic, I saw the swollen molar on the metal plate. The gay Doctor told my mom that the extraction process was tough because the molar was already swollen, sometimes he even ask his patients to wait for the swelling to stop before doing something on it, but since I have a great resistance to pain, he proceed.

Now, I am thinking whether my resistance to pain is really something I can be proud of. I know that I experienced a lot of painful things in my life before, and I will be honest when I say that I rarely cry unless it will be something that will really hurt so bad, but in due time, I find myself smiling again. Though I know that the pain is still there, I find ways to make myself feel better in spite of all the nasty things happening around me.

Screw me for never taking things seriously. LOL When my parents separated, my cousins ask me how I felt and I told them, "Its better that they are no longer together, at least, I will not see them fight when they are with each other." When I shifted courses, and my classmates from accountancy inquired about how I was coping, I remember telling them, "its better shifting courses because at least, I can find time to work while studying." In all my failed relationships, after some time of contemplating and feeling bitter, I catch myself telling myself, "don't worry, the next one will be better." I always find something to be happy in all the unpleasant things happening around me.

I will never say that my resistance to pain is great. But I will say that learning to live with pain has been my advantage. Once you've considered pain as your friend, something will motivate you to never go through the same painful process again. Pain will remind you that if certain stuff screw up, you are stronger than you think and in cases you would make the same mistakes again, Pain will teach you how to move on. The power of pain taught me to be more cautious.

I am still vulnerable though. And until now, I just go to the dentist to have my teeth cleaned. But I guess I am no longer scared, because I know I've been thru worst before.

Spider Web

Early last year, E and L are together. After a couple of months, they broke up.

Early this year, L and M are together. They are not in a relationship but they watched movies, went to mall, and did a lot of things together. Go figure. After a couple of months, they went on their separate ways.

Recently, E and M became a couple. And hopefully, what they have will last.

Why am I writing this?

I have a crush on E, L, and M but I never pursued any of them.

Watching them from afar was already enough for me. Being friends with them is already a blessing. Hearing stories about them sometimes complete my day.

Still, I never pursued any of them.

And I am glad I never did.

On Amiability

I know that I can be describe using a lot of things. On top of it, I am weird. A lot of adjective can describe me, but there is one that I will never be. I will never be the friendly type.

My addiction with Naruto made me understand that, perhaps, I am like Sasuke Uchiha. Throughout all the things that I have been thru, I will remain cold and aloof and a snob. Maybe it is my awkwardness that made me felt this way but I never been approachable enough.

Housemates can testify to that. They know that I never smile when they pass, and they are aware that I am someone that is difficult to approach. Sometimes, I even think that they are intimidated. I don’t know. My tough exterior sometimes exhibit that I am not someone that you should play around with.

Hence, I know that I will never change the way I am, I don’t want to. Changing into someone you are not just to please people will never go into my dictionary.

The Thought Party

As the random thoughts start their tea party in my head, they started talking about which one of them is the most important.

Thought Number One is a newbie in the party. He was introduced by our Valedictorian and surprisingly, a former officemate knew him as well. Number One said that he is the most important because he will lead The Orange Wit to the desires of his hearts. Unfortunately, Thought Number One came with a hefty price tag, and a big name plate that states, "The Harder You Work, The Greater the Chances." The Orange Wit is now confused.

On Thought Number One's left, sat a fellow who been in the table for quite a while. He said that he is the most important because The Orange Wit needs Number Two for his entertainment, his passion and this page. He has been patiently waiting for the moment that The Orange Wit to make Thought Number Two a reality. Number two has been confident that he is on the top of The Orange Wit's list, until Number One appeared. One said, "You have been waiting for quite a while now, maybe you can wait a little bit more." The Orange Wit is now confused.

Beside number two sat a guy with a rectangular face and eyes that blinks numbers. Yes, numbers. Thought Number Three keeps on insisting that The Orange Wit should start saving more first before even considering Number One and Two. But Number One is ready with his rebuttal, "if you will just keep the money there, it will just sleep, and why not invest it on something big." And Number Two will not choose to be left behind, "Once you have that item, you can start saving again."

To complete the visitors, Thought number four sat in front of Number One. He doesn't compete to be the most outstanding thought of the three. He just explains the consequences of choosing one after the other. He said, "If you choose one, there is still no guarantee that the desires of your heart will be fulfilled, you have to really work your butt of and though, you don't have any problem with that, it is still a hefty price tag, are you sure you can handle such amount?" Number Four then glared at Number Two, "so what if you are The Orange Wit's only want, you are still a luxury, something that our Master rarely consider. Yes he needs you for research, and writing and staying connected with friends, but you are still a luxury." He took a sip of his coffee before confronting Number Three, "now though you are the safest, I am sure that our Master will still choose number One over you, he will choose something that can make him save more money."

Thought Number Four took a deep breath before saying, "Right now, I am still not sure who will be the priority, I just laid out the plans in order to make things easier. They will not call me Risk if I will not do that, in the first place."

Absence

Lately, I really don’t have anything to write about. I guess my already boring life is turning to be more dull. Regardless, I am still busy, though.

Here are the things that I am busy with.

Naruto

Yes, I am still finishing Eat, Pray, Love. And,

Glee Season Four.

I will try my best to post something that will change the world, not! :D

Enjoy the rest of the weekend.

Aging

When the moment sink in that you just grew a year older, it is inevitable that you will reflect on the previous years that you spent. It happens to me every time I celebrate my big day.

I just got home from a night of beer, friends, guys who rub their cheeks on my arms and of course, fun. While I tried enjoying the moment – my moment, the feeling surface within me, it forced its way from the unknown and suddenly creates a whirl wind of emotions.

Sometimes, when you find something that reminds you how you used to feel, the comfort you discover by understanding that in this crazy universe become bliss. As I continue reminiscing, I remember the books that I have read.

Part of me is like Charlie, like Clay, Holden and like Santiago. There were days where I became close to doing a Hannah, and I cannot be grateful that my Lord saved me from the depression I have felt. Most of the time, I was like Christian, I find difficulty believing someone, worst, it was hard for me to even understand that I deserve the love that people showed me. Sometimes, when I am extremely happy, I became scared because I am not sure when something will last.

I guess this feelings surface because I was alone most of the time. My parents always trusted me that I can handle things independently so they just allow me to make decisions on my own. I grew up transferring from one address to another which made me lose the bonds that I created with people. Rejection has always been my story so I seldom reciprocate the sincerity and love that a person shows. Yes, I have a hard life. I beat myself most of the in my own insecurities, I let my fear overpower me, and there are days when I just accept the fact that I will do things on my own, and that there is a greater possibility that I will be alone.

But when I turned 27, I feel that though there were moments where I am fifty shades fucked-up, the horizon suddenly sparks giving me hope to keep on fighting. Maybe I just matured a lot, or maybe I feel that I really deserve the affection of someone because I know that I was also sincere. The sun suddenly shines and removes the dark clouds that haunt me. It made me more optimistic that amidst my idiosyncrasies, there will always be someone out there who will always be there.

Right now, it is hard to describe the glee within me. And unlike before, I know that I deserve to be happy because I always opted for happiness to all the people who knew me.

I have a lot of blessings to be grateful for. I am thankful for my family, because they are always thinking of me. Like what Naruto said, if there is someone who is thinking of you, there will always be a home that you can go to. I am thankful for my home. Aside from that, I am grateful for my work because it gives me the opportunity to share and show what I have. Most of all, I am thankful for my friends. Though there is really no one I can name as a best friend, my heart will always be appreciative of all the people who not just remember my special day, but who were always there every day.

I thought that I will write an emo post today because of all the things I am going through. But I guess, that is no longer needed. Because as I write this, I know that I am not alone. There are people rooting for me and because of them, I know I will be able to fight all the negative thoughts consuming me. And I will always praise my Father in Heaven because he gave me wonderful people who not just thought me the best survival skills, but also signed up for the battle that I am part of.

And having that thought will always be a comforting feeling. It gives me the solace that I need.