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Wednesday, July 15, 2015

#15





You stare at the machine knowing how much you already spend. This amount for your 5 mbps internet, this amount for the electricity that you consume for playing too much online games, this amount for the cake you ordered, this for the sausages, and this to send money to your Mother. 

Its amazing how fast you will compute things on your head without even touching anything on the machine. You already planned how you will spend your pay, without seeing it.

And then it happened. Insert, enter PIN, Balance Inquiry, Savings, waiting, praying, and then, reality sink in.

Glad to know that the air is still free. Better luck next payday. XD

Sunday, July 5, 2015

Exchange


After 52 steps, I saw him waiting on the pavement, bag in hand, eyeglasses on his eyes, and the pain he carried when I said hi. 

I give his stuff, protected in a blue pouch, which I safe keep for the past month. There were hesitations when he received it. I was sure he knew once he took it from me, he will never see me again. 

On our way to the main road, I tried my best to act casually. It felt stupid to ask him how he was, knowing that he was not okay. It felt awkward when I notice him glancing casually as I tried to avoid his stare. Every thing felt wrong - the gloomy weather, the damp street after the stupid rain, the guilt I was trying to neglect and him pretending to be okay. When we reached Kalayaan Ave, he punched me softly one last time on my left arm, then I squeezed this shoulder, and finally, the final goodbyes.

I walked my way home devastated. I still cannot believe that I was able to do it to someone. My past relationships involved hard core fighting, unadulterated lying, and being the party in third parties. It never involved me leaving someone. Fuck, I was so used to being hurt and left behind!

The walk home felt like forever. Thought came running on my crazy head. Did I just left him? Wait, should I chase him? Should I beg forgiveness and ask him back? Should I give this a chance? But, he is not what you want? Well, have you decided what you want? What do you want? Putang ina... bakit ko kinakausap ang sarili ko. It was that crazy.

The moment he said goodbye, it was also the same moment I kissed the seldom chances to be happy goodbye. Well, being happy with someone. So long all those text messages in the morning, evening, lunch times, breaks, and the instances where we were both not busy. Farewell all those dreams going to a movie, beach, museums, restaurants, motels and hotels with someone you are with. Adios having someone who will be there in good and bad times. Sayonarra, monthsaries which will never take place. And hello again, trying to motivate myself that it is okay to be single.

This happened a year and a half ago. Sometimes, it's okay to reminisce. I am now far from okay. Still single, but ultimately happy. Get me a date! Kidding. XD



Friday, January 30, 2015

I, Resurrection




How many times have you set goals for yourself?

When I was 20, I promised myself that I will be successful by the age of 25. The type of success that you will have the job that you want, the house you want to live in, the kind of life that people will get envious with. I turned 25 without accomplishing any of the three. It was heartbreaking but it was okay.

I promised the same thing, and this time I told myself, once I am thirty, I will become every single freaking thing I want to be.

Hello there! My name is Orange, and I am currently 29. I love to read books, play online games, eat, and sleep. And right now, I still haven't achieve the things I thought I will achieve.

But compared to how I felt when I was 25, it was not as heartbreaking, and of course, it is still okay. I know I still have a year to get things done, but I am already looking forward to the thought that there will be things that I will not achieve yet.

Of course, life is never meant to be easy, and I should not be ranting on my back-to-blogging post, but what can I do?

I already know what to do. In the following days, I must start deciding on the things I really want to do.Stop the delusions of grandeur and just continue to focus on the present and plan correctly to the future. I will stick to my goals, do everything to make sure it will achieve, and most of all, I still need to learn how to have fun.

If I can sum up my life so far, I die each moment I failed something. But in every slips, in every bad decisions made, in all the stupid things that happened to me, I realize I am still here - strong, breathing, fighting my hardest to learn something and to not make the same mistakes again.

In every goals I missed, I resurrect. And for now, that is all that matters. Only for now.