Sunday, July 5, 2015


After 52 steps, I saw him waiting on the pavement, bag in hand, eyeglasses on his eyes, and the pain he carried when I said hi. 

I give his stuff, protected in a blue pouch, which I safe keep for the past month. There were hesitations when he received it. I was sure he knew once he took it from me, he will never see me again. 

On our way to the main road, I tried my best to act casually. It felt stupid to ask him how he was, knowing that he was not okay. It felt awkward when I notice him glancing casually as I tried to avoid his stare. Every thing felt wrong - the gloomy weather, the damp street after the stupid rain, the guilt I was trying to neglect and him pretending to be okay. When we reached Kalayaan Ave, he punched me softly one last time on my left arm, then I squeezed this shoulder, and finally, the final goodbyes.

I walked my way home devastated. I still cannot believe that I was able to do it to someone. My past relationships involved hard core fighting, unadulterated lying, and being the party in third parties. It never involved me leaving someone. Fuck, I was so used to being hurt and left behind!

The walk home felt like forever. Thought came running on my crazy head. Did I just left him? Wait, should I chase him? Should I beg forgiveness and ask him back? Should I give this a chance? But, he is not what you want? Well, have you decided what you want? What do you want? Putang ina... bakit ko kinakausap ang sarili ko. It was that crazy.

The moment he said goodbye, it was also the same moment I kissed the seldom chances to be happy goodbye. Well, being happy with someone. So long all those text messages in the morning, evening, lunch times, breaks, and the instances where we were both not busy. Farewell all those dreams going to a movie, beach, museums, restaurants, motels and hotels with someone you are with. Adios having someone who will be there in good and bad times. Sayonarra, monthsaries which will never take place. And hello again, trying to motivate myself that it is okay to be single.

This happened a year and a half ago. Sometimes, it's okay to reminisce. I am now far from okay. Still single, but ultimately happy. Get me a date! Kidding. XD

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