When the moment sink in that you just grew a year older, it is inevitable that you will reflect on the previous years that you spent. It happens to me every time I celebrate my big day.
I just got home from a night of beer, friends, guys who rub their cheeks on my arms and of course, fun. While I tried enjoying the moment – my moment, the feeling surface within me, it forced its way from the unknown and suddenly creates a whirl wind of emotions.
Sometimes, when you find something that reminds you how you used to feel, the comfort you discover by understanding that in this crazy universe become bliss. As I continue reminiscing, I remember the books that I have read.
Part of me is like Charlie, like Clay, Holden and like Santiago. There were days where I became close to doing a Hannah, and I cannot be grateful that my Lord saved me from the depression I have felt. Most of the time, I was like Christian, I find difficulty believing someone, worst, it was hard for me to even understand that I deserve the love that people showed me. Sometimes, when I am extremely happy, I became scared because I am not sure when something will last.
I guess this feelings surface because I was alone most of the time. My parents always trusted me that I can handle things independently so they just allow me to make decisions on my own. I grew up transferring from one address to another which made me lose the bonds that I created with people. Rejection has always been my story so I seldom reciprocate the sincerity and love that a person shows. Yes, I have a hard life. I beat myself most of the in my own insecurities, I let my fear overpower me, and there are days when I just accept the fact that I will do things on my own, and that there is a greater possibility that I will be alone.
But when I turned 27, I feel that though there were moments where I am fifty shades fucked-up, the horizon suddenly sparks giving me hope to keep on fighting. Maybe I just matured a lot, or maybe I feel that I really deserve the affection of someone because I know that I was also sincere. The sun suddenly shines and removes the dark clouds that haunt me. It made me more optimistic that amidst my idiosyncrasies, there will always be someone out there who will always be there.
Right now, it is hard to describe the glee within me. And unlike before, I know that I deserve to be happy because I always opted for happiness to all the people who knew me.
I have a lot of blessings to be grateful for. I am thankful for my family, because they are always thinking of me. Like what Naruto said, if there is someone who is thinking of you, there will always be a home that you can go to. I am thankful for my home. Aside from that, I am grateful for my work because it gives me the opportunity to share and show what I have. Most of all, I am thankful for my friends. Though there is really no one I can name as a best friend, my heart will always be appreciative of all the people who not just remember my special day, but who were always there every day.
I thought that I will write an emo post today because of all the things I am going through. But I guess, that is no longer needed. Because as I write this, I know that I am not alone. There are people rooting for me and because of them, I know I will be able to fight all the negative thoughts consuming me. And I will always praise my Father in Heaven because he gave me wonderful people who not just thought me the best survival skills, but also signed up for the battle that I am part of.
And having that thought will always be a comforting feeling. It gives me the solace that I need.